It seems like more and more millennials are falling into this newfound excuse of a relationship, known as a “Situation-Ship”. There was a time where I knew more people in situation-ships, than I did in actual healthy relationships, and it made me question to myself, if it was becoming the new norm. I remember there was a time a few years ago, when I and two other friends, were each in a situationship, and the one thing we had in common was that, they all ended up being complete disasters.
I’m sure everyone has their own way of defining a situation-ship, and of course personal experiences, or views play a role in how someone defines this new phenomenon. Personally, a Situation-Ship is an involvement between two people, where there are certain elements of a relationship being displayed, but there are no strings attached. So in other words, a fake ass relationship.
For a young millennial woman like myself, who wanted to avoid dealing with any issues stemmed from commitment, I was absolutely comfortable with the whole friends with Benz, no strings attached component of a situation-ship. Well you know what they say, when it comes to Friends With Benz, “someone ALWAYS catches feelings.” And in a heterosexual relationship, no, it’s not always the woman. Yeah I said it.
Nowadays, many millennial’s have found themselves surpassing the friends with benefits stage, and stumbling into these no title, lack of progression, tons of confusion, but rather routine-like, and comfortable situation-ships.
Walking into a carefree situation-ship, did not shield me from receiving any unnecessary issues or conflicts, but I learned from the experience. I learned several lessons that taught me a lot about myself, and increased my hunger to grow as a person.
1. Be Open and Clear with Your Wants, Your Needs, or Your Intentions
I’m sure many people probably read number one, and initially thought to themselves, “Well yeah, of course you should be honest with your wants, needs or intentions”. Now, in a situation-ship, since it’s not a relationship, the real wants, needs or intentions from both parties can remain very unclear. Essentially, because that’s typically how a situation-ship starts out in the first place, carefree, with a lack of framework, and a whole lot of uncertainty. If you find yourself entering a potential situation-ship, from the start, express how you feel, what you truthfully want out of it, and you’re boundaries. Never assume that the other person may feel the same way that you do, or want the same things that you want out of the experience. Even if their words say others wise, as clique as the saying is, actions truly do speak louder.
2. Trust Your Intuition More
In a situation-ship, due to the lack of clarity, you’re intuition will become your guide in navigating it. Naturally, as humans, we’ve all faced moments where we’ve neglected our intuition, and do the opposite of what our intuition is communicating to us. Sometimes we even seek advice from friends, family members, or other peers in our circle, even though our intuition has already presented us with the answers to our questions time and time again. I know I can be very guilty of doing this at times. Well, In a situation-ship, the more you neglect your gut, the more confusing it becomes, because your subconsciously ignoring what you already know. Trust your gut, because in reality it only wants to have your back.
3. Even if the Sex is Good, don’t make it be the reason you stay longer than you should
Ok, let’s be real y’all, Really Good Sex, can be hard to find, and if you disagree with this statement, kudos to you, and all the amazing sexual partners you’ve experienced in your life thus far lol. In all seriousness, many people find it difficult to find someone that they are sexually compatible with, which can potentially cause people to stay involved with someone longer than they should. In a situation-ship, the sex is the primary source of the union, and how it’s commonly initiated. Similar to relationship sex, situation-ship sex can open up those gates that lead to intimacy and comfort, or any other personal needs/wants that can cause you to stay around longer than you should. As I stated prior, a situation-ship is NOT a relationship, and I’m not mentioning that again to sound redundant, I state that to say, as good as the sex is, do you really want to unintentionally create an intimate, comfortable or consistent bond with someone that you’re not in a relationship with, and most likely may never be in a relationship with? Yes, situation-ship sex can be very fun and daring, but it can also lead to a lot of conflict in the long run. Try not to make it be the reason you stick around longer than you should.
4. Time flies, Especially when your wasting your time
They say, “Time flies when you’re having fun”, but I think everyone reading this can agree, that you rather time fly when your having fun, than when you’re wasting your time. Have you ever been in a relationship that you were so invested in, and when it ended you thought to yourself, what was I thinking? Even if you learned and grew from the situation, that thought provoking question, what was I thinking, may still come to one’s mind. For anyone that has ever felt that way, at least you can attest that you were in an actual relationship. Now in a situation-ship, if that thang ends, can you really call it a break-up? I’m sure people, who weren’t seeking anything more in their situation-ships, won’t be affected by it coming to an end. For others, who got comfortable with the relationship-like illusion, got comfortable in general, or wanted the situation-ship to progress into a relationship, it can be a different story. Regardless of what your reason for staying around is, all the time spent on this inestablished union, could have been spent on finding someone that wanted to establish a real one. Yes, we may have learned a lot from the experience, yes we may have grew from the experience, but looking at things objectively, all the time spent on the situation-ship, is time we will never get back again. And I don’t say that to be a downer, I say that because we should be mindful of the things or people that we give our time and energy to, because individually those things are precious to us all.
5. Not wanting Commitment, doesn’t mean you don’t subconsciously want someone there
I’ll be real, and admit that in my own experience, this is something I definitely had to learn. In the past, sometimes, as much as I stated, I didn’t want a commitment, or how I didn’t want to be tied down, I subconsciously wanted someone around for comfort and for company. Has anyone ever experienced feeling this way before? There is nothing wrong with not wanting to commit, and there is nothing wrong with wanting someone to be there, but you have to ask yourself, if you don’t want to commit, but you want someone to be around, doesn’t that sound like a snowball of confusion waiting to happen? Even if you both establish that you don’t want to commit, if one person wants someone around, or both of you want someone around, it will inevitably feel as though both of you all are in a relationship without a title. The most important questions to ask yourself here is, why don’t you want to commit, but want someone to be around you? What has happened in your life, that you still need to heal from, that makes you not ready for commitment? Or What has happened in your life, or going on with you internally that makes you want someone around, even if their not committed to you?
6. Believe it or not, you’re probably not the only one the other person is seeing
In 2018, even with a title, we still have people stepping outside of their relationships, so even if your situation-ship is exclusive, can you really say you are the only one? Maybe you’re someone that doesn’t care if the person your involved with is seeing other people, because you’re seeing other people yourself, but eventually someone, or both individuals will start to feel some type of way. For example, speaking from a straight woman’s perspective, in my personal experience, I’ve encountered a lot of straight Men, that get extremely jealous when other men try to get to know a woman that they’ve been sexually involved with, but they aren’t committed to. I’ve experienced major expressions of jealousy, and in a few cases, some of these men were messing with other women on the side! Talk about a double standard, but that’s another topic, for another day.
7. Situationships can be extremely unhealthy and toxic. Point, Blank, Period.
If relationships can be unhealthy and toxic, than there will be some situation-ships that are also unhealthy, toxic, or sometimes even worse. Being in a situation-ship doesn’t shield you from being in a toxic web with someone else. Often times, emotional or physical abuse are used as tactics to manipulate and breakdown an individual mentally. This way the individual becomes so broken that even though they know the situation is toxic, it becomes extremely hard for them to let go. If you find yourselves in an unhealthy situation-ship, it’s important to take the necessary steps to seek out help, whether it be confessing what’s going on to your friends, your family, or to a professional. Do what’s best for you. Physical strength is important, but we need mental strength to survive this world. Always keep in mind that your mental health is important, that your self love is important, and lastly that your self care is important. In reality you are ALL YOU GOT, and you have to take care of YOU.
Have you ever been in a situation-ship before? If you’re comfortable sharing, let’s create a dialogue below? How did you overcome your experience? Or are you still healing? What is your personal view on dating life in the millennial era?
Thanks for reading!